There are some musicians who are just not likable. I would place Mariah Carey in this category. Sure, she was once immensely talented and loved by all, but over the last few years she has become a bloated caricature of herself, no longer depending on her talent so much as her over-the-top diva image that is smeared all over our TV’s and tabloids. She is no longer recognized for her vocal abilities so much as for being universally disliked and an overall nasty person. Have you SEEN this bitch in live interviews? She is absolutely MISERABLE! She looks constantly disgusted and, let us be honest here, disgusting as well. It has become a running joke seeing her sausage-packed into dresses that are at least two sizes too small for her, her massive breasts pouring forth in an apparent attempt to escape from their restraints. There is too much pride here which, in turn, makes her appear to have none what-so-ever. Her scathing criticisms of other female artists have gone from being shocking and humorous to all around unappealing and, worst of all, expected from her. Once you start to regularly associate an artist with negative qualities, its only a matter of time before the masses start to catch on.
Shockingly enough, this blog is NOT about the elusive chanteuse known as Mimi, although I assure you it’s only a matter of time until we reach that hurdle. Today, we are focusing on another songstress whose career saw a major decline based off her tainted public image. It’s not so much that this girl is mean or a diva, and she certainly doesn’t lack talent. No, her greatest downfall was the fact that she openly projected an image that promoted the idea that she’s a fucking idiot. What’s worse is, based off her impressive entrepreneur skills, it’s more than clear that this is absolutely NOT the case. Sure, she may never have another hit single again, but good-LORD can this woman craft a pair of heels or what?!
If you don’t already know who I’m talking about, let’s just get right to the damn point already.
Without any further hesitation, allow me to present everyone’s (and by “everyone” I technically mean myself) favorite busty blonde bombshell… The ever-stunning Jessica Simpson!
The biggest issue I have with Jessica’s self-induced decline into near-obscurity is the fact that she was, arguably, one of the most talented pop-songstress’ of her day. Sure, Britney can dance, but let’s be real that’s about all she brings to the table. And Christina can certainly wail, but her constant NEED to over-do her vocals often puts her in danger of sounding like she’s trying to consume her microphone. You don’t need to make every single goddamn moment a rift. You just don’t! When she first hit the scene, Jessica Simpson possessed an unprecedented talent that didn’t need to be amplified with gaudy vocal-techniques or sequined body-suits or stripper dance-moves, though I’m sure the fact she has the body of a porn-star didn’t hurt either. The girl had a voice unlike any other, and no song in her repertoire puts that on full-display better than her first single I Wanna Love You Forever, NOT to be confused with the subject of my LAST blog, Donna Lewis’ unforgettable I Love You (Always Forever).
Prepare yourselves, because white girl is about to take your asses to church. And she’s going to do it in front of an airplane and a FIELD of sunflowers! Preach, girl…
First things first, Jessica Simpson truly is the personification of the conservative Christian white-mans ideal woman. All tits, hips, and ass, demurely shrouded in a sensible denim ensemble, Jessica has to be one of the most stunning female vocalists to date. If you can’t allow yourself to admit the girl had pipes, at LEAST admit the fact that she looked amazing when putting them to use.
You all may know of the term DSL’s? Well, they’re on FULL DISPLAY in this one.
Those pouting lips, that billowing blonde hair, those piercing bedroom eyes. I’m pretty sure the director of this video took one look at her and said “Well, this ones going to be pretty damn easy.” They really could have put her in any venue here and things would have been more than fine. A grocery store, a gynecologists office, the set of Whose Line is it Anyways, or perhaps even the trenches of World War 2, it would have been secondary to Jessica’s reserved sensuality and astonishing presence on camera. And we haven’t even begun to discuss the vocals!
Anyone who knows me is well aware that I grow WEAK for one thing and one thing one. A mid-to-late 90’s female power-ballad. Give me Toni Braxton. Give me Mariah Carey. Give me fucking CELINE DION. But today, I need to put all me energy into Jessica. This ballad is one for the goddamn ages. It baffles me that this track has been somewhat forgotten with time because it truly is an iconic piece . The debut single off Jessica’s first studio album, appropriately entitled Sweet Kisses (again, smart marketing on somebodies part), the song peaked at #3 on the Billboard Hot 100, her only entry there to break the top 10 over the course of her career. But if you’re going to have one top 10 single, it might as well be I Wanna Love You Forever. The range on this chick is mind-blowing and they put it on FULL display here. And let’s not overlook the poetic lyrics that absolutely take the track to a whole new level.
You set my soul at ease
Chased darkness out of view
Left your desperate spell on me
Say you feel it too I know you do
I’ve got so much more to give
This can’t die, I yearn to live
Pour yourself all over me
And I’ll cherish every drop here on my knees
I wanna love you forever
And this is all I’m asking of you
10,000 lifetimes together
Is that so much for you to do
‘Cause from the moment that I saw your face
And felt the fire of your sweet embrace
I swear I knew
I wanna love you forever
My mind fails to understand
What my heart tells me to do
And I’d give up all I have just to be with you
And that would do
I’ve always been taught to win
And I never thought I’d fail
Be at the mercy of a man,
I’ve never been
Now I only want to be right where you are
I wanna love you forever
And this is all I’m asking of you
10,000 lifetimes together
Is that so much for you to do
‘Cause from the moment that I saw your face
And felt the fire of your sweet embrace
I swear I knew
I wanna love you forever
In my life I’ve learned that heaven never waits
Let’s take this now before it’s gone
Like yesterday
‘Cause when I’m with you there’s nowhere else
That I would ever wanna be no
I’m breathing for the next second I can feel you
Loving me, I’m gonna Love
I wanna love you forever
And this is all I’m asking of you
10,000 lifetimes together
Is that so much for you to do
‘Cause from the moment that I saw your face
And felt the fire of your sweet embrace
I swear I knew
I wanna love you forever
Whoa. That is some deep shit right there, and I am preeeeeeeeetty sure that Miss Simpson had no part in the writing of this song. Not that she needed to since she tackles the material with such skill that it’s clear she really need not worry about anything more then sing. Well, that and look really, really pretty. Also, can we please take a moment to re-acknowledge the following…
Pour yourself all over me
And I’ll cherish every drop here on my knees
If that isn’t a sexual innuendo, I don’t know what is. Pour yourself ALL OVER ME and I will CHERISH EVREY DROP HERE ON MY KNEES? How is this NOT referencing a load to the face?! What ELSE could JESSICA possibly be talking about?! Again, solid marketing move.
While Jessica saw a surge of success over the following years due to her highly publicized relationship with (and divorce from) Nick Lachey, she never truly managed to recapture the massive success of I Wanna Love You Forever. But at this point, does anyone really care? Instead of focusing on her powerhouse vocal-abilities, Jessica’s team chose to turn the focus to her bubbly, “dumb blonde” persona instead. Pushing her as a clueless moron with big tits may have worked for a moment, but it prevented Jessica from leaving any lasting impact on the music industry. To this day she’s more remembered for her idiotic Chicken of the Sea discussion then she is for her massive talent. What a waste, especially since it’s become all too clear that this was probably nothing more than an act. Seeing Jessica’s success as a saleswoman and entrepreneur only solidifies this theory.
The purses. The shoes. The HAIR EXTENSIONS. Jessica covers it all, and she does it WELL. J
It’s good to see Jessica has managed to distance herself from her once-expected ditzy persona, but at this point I doubt she will ever be able to make a significant impact on the pop-charts and thus recreate the majesty that is I Wanna Love You Forever. But based off that song alone, I would say without qualms that she more than deserves the title of “pop princess”. And if, by chance, she DOES manage to produce one more hit in this lifetime, I will welcome it with arms wide open.
And I will cherish EVERY drop here, on my knees.
(Oh Lord, Laura Brannigan Gloria just came on the radio… It’s like a vision from above! PERFECT inspiration for my next blog!)
Fizzy Bubbles 